Dating Conversation Skills

Like many of my single clients, you may freeze up, draw a blank, or run out of things to say when talking to someone you find attractive.

Or perhaps you land on the opposite end of the anxiety spectrum, i.e. you blurt things out or can’t stop talking in dating situations.

In either case, learning dating conversation do’s and don’ts may reduce your anxiety and improve your connections with potential partners.

Dating Conversation Do’s & Don’ts

DO	DON’T
Ask questions about: Favorites Passions Experiences Important people	Bring up loaded topics, particularly on first or second dates Politics Religion Sex Body image Past relationships Trauma
Talk about common interests and emotions.	Focus solely on work.
Focus on things you’re grateful for, adding a dash of what you struggle with.	Complain, gossip, or share only about your struggles.
Observe things about your date that you find attractive, interesting, or admirable.	Compliment your date incessantly, particularly on things they can’t control (e.g. their body).

Help your date feel understood and appreciated

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~Maya Angelou

Think about the best date you’ve ever been on. How much do you recall from your conversations with your date? Chances are you have a stronger sense of how they made you feel than what they actually said.

Happy long-term relationships form when both partners feel appreciated, desirable, and understood. A first date is never too early to start building a relationship characterized by warmth and emotional engagement. Here’s how:

DO	DON’T
Balance how much you are listening and talking.	Talk incessantly or clam up.
Be playful.	Interview your date, i.e. ask all the standard “getting to know you” questions, machine-gun style.
Be curious.	Come with an attitude of “what can you give to me?”
Flirt.	Get sexual too quickly.
Make observations about them.	Pull out your phone.
Self-disclose Share a bit more about yourself than you would with a new colleague or friend. Match your partner’s level of self-disclosure. If it feels as though the conversation’s stalled on the surface, lead the way by disclosing something personal. Listen, mirror, and validate when your date shares something personal.	Stay on the surface or go too deep, too quickly.

What to do if anxiety stops you from using your dating conversation skills

You may be asking, “How can I remember to do these things, particularly when I’m anxious on a date?”

Here are some tips for managing anxiety so that you can effectively use your dating conversation skills.

1. Relax and Revitalize

• If you tend toward fidgeting and talking too much on dates, do something relaxing right before going out. Take a bath, take a nap, meditate, get a massage -- anything that will help you relax.

• If, on the other hand, you tend to draw a blank on dates, do something beforehand that stimulates and energizes you. Go for a run, read an interesting book, take time for an engaging hobby — anything that ignites your natural vitality.

2. Act as If

• Do what you can prior to a date to invite in feelings of self-confidence. Wear your sexy jeans, give yourself a pep talk, playfully strut in front of the mirror — anything that might stimulates a sense of self-worth and courage.

• Keep in mind that it’s normal for this to feel inauthentic and awkward at first! Treat it as an experiment and see if you can stick with it long enough to let the discomfort transmute into increased confidence.

3. Focus on Being Interested, Not Interesting

• Rather than preparing questions and topics of conversation that might make you seem interesting, focus on being interested.

• Ask yourself, “What about this person do I find intriguing? What do I want to know more about?”

• Without editing, write those questions down (even the ones that feel a bit edgy!) and review them prior to your date.

• Don’t be afraid to ask some of your “edgier” questions. I find the questions we fear will be obtrusive often end up electrifying the connection between two people. Of course, be judicious – remember the loaded topics from our “don’t” list.

4. Practice!

• Like any skill set, mastering dating skills requires repeated practice.

• Ask a friend to practice the above skills with you.

• Our mock date service is a great way to practice and get honest feedback about your conversation skills from an experienced dating coach.

Which of the do’s and dont’s surprised you? Leave a comment below!