Falling in Love: Stages, Timeframe, and Love at First Sight

Falling in Love: Stages, Timeframe, and Love at First Sight

What are the stages of falling in love? 

Typically the first stage of falling in love is limerance, an all-consuming time that’s the stuff of poetry.  All you do is think about your Beloved – you can’t sleep or eat, and all you want to do is be with them, look at them, touch them.  It’s not entirely comfortable – the term “lovesick” captures the torturous nature of limerance – but at the same time, it may feel like your newfound love is a form of spiritual transcendence.  

Limerance often coincides with the start of what’s popularly known as the “Honeymoon Phase.”  Both partners…

Non-Creepy Flirting: Signs, Confidence, & Respectful Tactics

Non-Creepy Flirting: Signs, Confidence, & Respectful Tactics

On your Saturday stroll to your favorite chai spot, you run into that cutie pie from your yoga studio.  As they wave hi and head over to chat, you think this is my chance! My dating coach tells me I need to flirt more, so let’s do this!

You catch up, giving them a playful Elaine-from-Seinfeld push when they crack a joke about your yoga teacher.  You compliment their earrings, holding eye contact longer than usual, then ask what they’re up to the rest of the day. They look down at their phone and say oh, gosh, I’m actually late to see a friend – catch you later!

As they run off, you wonder, Did they pick up on the fact that I was flirting?  Or worse, did I come on too strong and creep them out?  

If you feel confused about how to flirt well, you’re not alone.  As a dating coach and therapist…

Dating After Trauma: Mistakes to Avoid & Healthy Strategies

Dating After Trauma: Mistakes to Avoid & Healthy Strategies

Can you believe it? Over 70% of adults have undergone at least one major trauma. 

Yowzas. 

Unresolved trauma is the #1 most common yet under-recognized obstacle that I see stopping singles from finding lasting love, hands down.

As a trauma survivor (dare I say thriver?) and trauma-informed dating therapist with over a decade of experience, I'm no stranger to the Herculean effort that’s required to build loving relationships after abuse, betrayal, and other blows to the heart.

So take heart, fellow survivor – though challenging, finding healthy love after trauma is possible with the proper support and tools. 💗 

That’s what this article is all about.

Feeling No Spark When Dating? Why It Happens & What to Do

Feeling No Spark When Dating? Why It Happens & What to Do

Hello, Dear Reader!

If you’re here, you might have experienced a few too many situations like the following:

You sit across a quaint cafe table from your on-paper-perfect mate, matcha latte warming your hands.  The conversation flows as you chat about your astonishingly-shared-because-they’re-so-niche passions – word games (you both Wordle daily), cats that act like dogs (you named yours Quaffle), and botanical gardens (especially the tropical ones: oh my begonia!). 

And yet, you have the niggling sense that something’s missing.  Your date’s attractive, easy to talk to, and loves similar things.  And yet…

Yes, you can have more than one attachment style

Yes, you can have more than one attachment style

Y’all, welcome to the Golden Age of Attachment Theory.

In my 13+ years as a dating coach and therapist, few pop psychology trends have infiltrated my work more than the attachment theory heyday kicked off by Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love.  

This is a beautiful thing –  attachment theory is a potent tool for understanding and untangling the baffling and painful dynamics singles often experience when dating.  

And yet, the mass popularization of attachment theory has produced simplified takes on attachment styles that are wrong at best and damaging at worst. I see misunderstandings about attachment theory stopping rather than supporting singles in their search for healthy, long-term love.

Let’s debunk nine common myths about attachment styles that might stop you from dating successfully.

Dating with an Anxious Attachment Style: Tips for Anxious Daters

Dating with an Anxious Attachment Style: Tips for Anxious Daters

Anxious attachment is the absolute pits. 

It’s the fuzzy end of the lollipop, the worst thing since sliced bread, and whatever the opposite of “the cat’s pajamas” is.

No, but really – anxious attachment is painful. It makes you doubt the security of your relationships, keeping you in a constant whirlwind of worry and uncertainty.  

When is she going to leave me? I know it’s just a matter of time.

Did I say something wrong? 

Pacing Dating to Find Lasting Love: Signs of unhealthy pacing (Part 3 of 3)

Pacing Dating to Find Lasting Love: Signs of unhealthy pacing (Part 3 of 3)

If you’ve found that your relationships develop at a romantic comedy pace, starting out intensely (or dragging along at a snail’s pace) only to fall apart messily, this series is for you. We’re talking all about how pacing can help you find a love that lasts.

Prefer to listen to this information? Tune into episode 4 of I Love You, Too.

In our first installment of this series, we discussed the importance of pacing in dating, which refers to intentionally adjusting the speed at which you move through the different stages of a relationship.

In the second installment, we explored how to pace dating to increase your chances of finding long-term love.

Today, we’LL answer these questions:

  1. What are the signs that pacing is off in a new relationship?

  2. What if your pacing doesn't match your partner's pacing?

Pacing Dating to Find Lasting Love: How to pace dating to find your person (Part 2 of 3)

Pacing Dating to Find Lasting Love: How to pace dating to find your person (Part 2 of 3)

If you’ve found that your relationships develop at a romantic comedy pace, starting out intensely (or dragging along at a snail’s pace) only to fall apart messily, this series is for you. We’re talking all about how pacing can help you find a love that lasts.

Prefer to listen to this information? Tune into episode 4 of I Love You, Too.

In the first installment in this series, we discussed pacing in dating, which refers to intentionally adjusting the speed at which you move through the different stages of a relationship. We explored why pacing is helpful for developing lasting love (as well as using dating to heal).

Today, we’re exploring how exactly to pace new relationships to increase the chances of finding a long-term relationship.

Pacing Dating to Find Lasting Love: What is Pacing in Dating? (Part 1 of 3)

Pacing Dating to Find Lasting Love: What is Pacing in Dating? (Part 1 of 3)

If you’ve found that your relationships develop at a romantic comedy pace, starting out intensely (or dragging along at a snail’s pace) only to fall apart messily, this article and the two that follow are for you. We’re talking all about how pacing can help you find a love that lasts.

Prefer to listen to this information? Tune into episode 4 of I Love You, Too.

In dating, pacing refers to intentionally adjusting the speed at which you move through the different stages of a relationship.

We think pacing is an underrepresented topic in the dating advice-o-sphere. Finding a comfortable, security-boosting pace can make a pivotal difference when it comes to building healthy, long-term relationships, yet very few people are actually talking about it.

What does it mean if a date doesn’t ask you questions? Does it mean they aren’t into you?

What does it mean if a date doesn’t ask you questions? Does it mean they aren’t into you?

My date didn't ask me any questions on the first date. Should I go on a second date?

Click here to listen to the answers to these questions on our podcast, I Love You, Too.

Imagine that you go on a date with someone you met on Bumble. You’re stoked because they’re not only super cute, but they also share your love of sci-fi, vegan ice cream, and volunteering.

In many ways, the date doesn’t disappoint — they’re interesting, funny, and just as attractive as their photos suggested. Just one hitch — they don’t ask you any questions.

Dating Conversation Skills

Dating Conversation Skills

Like many of my single clients, you may freeze up, draw a blank, or run out of things to say when talking to someone you find attractive.

Or perhaps you land on the opposite end of the anxiety spectrum, i.e. you blurt things out or can’t stop talking in dating situations.

In either case, learning dating conversation do’s and don’ts may reduce your anxiety and improve your connections with potential partners.

Common Dating Struggles that Trauma Survivors Experience

Common Dating Struggles that Trauma Survivors Experience

Studies show that more than 70% of adults have experienced at least one major trauma in their lifetime. And many trauma experts would argue that 100% of us became trauma survivors in March of 2020.

As a dating therapist with over a decade of experience, I can confidently say that unresolved trauma is one of the most common (and least acknowledged) causes of seemingly unresolvable dating issues.

Last week I published a free quiz to help you clarify whether your dating problems are rooted in trauma: Is Unresolved Trauma Stopping You From Finding Love?

This week, I’m sharing a list of behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that trauma survivors experience when dating.

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Big Talk and Heart-Opening Questions: Conversation Tips for Shy Introverts Who Can’t Seem to Find an LTR

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Single and struggling to find a long-term relationship in spite of putting yourself out there? You’re not alone.

Kam is a 36-year-old woman who’s dated quite a bit in recent years but has never had a long-term relationship. She says she has plenty of options but “they never seem to go anywhere. Most of the time I know within a couple of minutes whether I’m interested in someone. And the guys I really like don’t seem to be into me.”

Arjun, a 29-year old man who’s eager to find his life partner and build a family, says he’s having a hard time getting first dates to begin with. “Most of the time when I match with someone on one of the apps, they’ll respond to a couple messages and then disappear. I don’t get it.”

When starting dating coaching or therapy with clients like Kam and Arjun, my team and I conduct a comprehensive assessment to clarify why they are chronically single. Among other things, we assess how shyness, introversion, and anxiety play into their capacity to build emotional connections on dates.

Moving In With Your Partner

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Moving in with your partner is a huge milestone in your relationship.

While sharing your living space might seem like a simple decision, there are many small details about changing your home to fit another person that many people might not consider.

In order to help answer some questions, Redfin reached out to experts from across the country from New York, NY to San Francisco, CA, including our founder, Jessica Engle.

Read the article to get her guidance on using the science of happy relationships to make your move-in a success: https://www.redfin.com/blog/moving-in-with-your-partner/

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How to Take Quality Online Dating Profile Pictures

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How to Take Quality Online Dating Profile Pictures

A dating profile photo informs the first impression people will have of you, and is arguably the most important part of any dating profile.  The old saying still rings true; “first impressions are the most lasting.”

So then, how does one create a dating profile photo that reflects all the positive qualities you want to show prospective dates? 

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Chronically Single? 4 Reasons You Haven't Found Lasting Love (Yet)

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Chronically Single? 4 Reasons You Haven't Found Lasting Love (Yet)

Ellie arrives in my office for her first session.  She‘s visibly nervous.  As we sit and talk, she places her eyes intently on her feet, breaking away periodically to catch my gaze and smile shyly.

“What prompted you to come in for dating help, Ellie?”  

“Well, I guess I started thinking about it on my 35th birthday...

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