Single and struggling to find a long-term relationship in spite of putting yourself out there? You’re not alone.
Kam is a 36-year-old woman who’s dated quite a bit in recent years but has never had a long-term relationship. She says she has plenty of options but “they never seem to go anywhere. Most of the time I know within a couple of minutes whether I’m interested in someone. And the guys I really like don’t seem to be into me.”
Arjun, a 29-year old man who’s eager to find his life partner and build a family, says he’s having a hard time getting first dates to begin with. “Most of the time when I match with someone on one of the apps, they’ll respond to a couple messages and then disappear. I don’t get it.”
When starting dating coaching or therapy with clients like Kam and Arjun, my team and I conduct a comprehensive assessment to clarify why they are chronically single. Among other things, we assess how shyness, introversion, and anxiety play into their capacity to build emotional connections on dates.
We do this because copious research shows that happy long-term relationships emphasize intimacy. Couples researchers and long-time married couple John and Julie Gottman note that “Relationship Masters” turn towards their partner’s bids for emotional closeness and actively seek to understand their partners’ inner worlds, i.e. feelings, dreams, and values.
Dating requires us to build emotional connections with others relatively quickly. Many shy, introverted singles struggle with this, either due to anxiety, lack of skill, or both.
And that’s understandable -- many of us were not given the skills or modeling needed to know how to get close to other human beings (let alone someone you just met online!).
Good news if you are like Kam and Arjun -- you can learn how to cultivate emotional closeness on dates so that you can find a happy, lasting relationship.
Good News: No Need for Small Talk
Kam knows how to keep a conversation going on a date “but usually it’s just the same conversations over and over again, like, ‘Where do you work? What did you do this weekend?’ It gets boring.”
And Arjun says “I don’t even know what to say when I message someone I matched with. I know I’m not supposed to start with ‘hey,’ but beyond that I’m clueless. I overthink it and then default to saying something stupid because I can’t think of anything else.”
Both Kam and Arjun identify as shy introverts who hate small talk. I delight in reassuring them that they don’t need to like or utilize small talk in order to find a long-term relationship.
In fact, sticking with “small talk” is one of the best ways to stay single, as it stops any deep emotional connection from forming.
Big Talk: Try Heart-Opening Questions
One of the best ways to cultivate emotional closeness on a date is to ask open-ended questions that invite your partner to share about their dreams, values, and emotions. My team and I refer to these as “heart-opening questions.”
(Keep in mind that simply asking these questions isn’t enough to cultivate emotional closeness. You’ll also need to listen actively and share vulnerably in kind.)
So what are some examples of heart-opening questions? Take a look below at the 36 questions utilized by Arthur Aron et. al’s seminal study, “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness.”
Aron challenged pairs of strangers to answer questions that “gradually escalate in intensity” along with completing other “relationship building tasks” such as holding sustained eye contact. In the end the participants reported “greater post interaction closeness...versus [the group who engaged in] comparable small talk.”
They weren’t kidding, either -- two of the study participants married and invited the whole lab to the ceremony!
The 36 Questions
Feel free to get creative with these questions and activities.
For example, Kam read through them to get a feel for heart-opening questions, then started improvising similar questions on dates. She also made it a point on dates to share about what truly matters to her. As a result, she built deeper connections and eventually found her way into her first long-term relationship!
And Arjun started opening messages to online dating matches with one of the 36 questions. When he started getting more dates, he downloaded a 36 questions app and invited his potential mates to answer them over dinner or a bottle of wine. Though he has yet to find his future wife, he’s enjoying dating much more these days.
Set 1
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set 2
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set 3
25. Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling _______."
26. Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share _______."
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Lastly: hold eye contact (without talking -- don’t worry, nervous laughter is normal!) for four minutes.
How do you build emotional connections on dates? Leave a comment below!
