Anxious attachment is the absolute pits.
It’s the fuzzy end of the lollipop, the worst thing since sliced bread, and whatever the opposite of “the cat’s pajamas” is.
No, but really – anxious attachment is painful. It makes you doubt the security of your relationships, keeping you in a constant whirlwind of worry and uncertainty.
When is she going to leave me? I know it’s just a matter of time.
Did I say something wrong?
I HATE that he doesn’t want to spend more time together. But that’s my fault – I’m just too needy.
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Because romantic relationships mega-activate our attachment patterns, many anxiously attached people struggle to feel secure when dating or building committed relationships.
Fear not, Fellow Anxious One – I’m here today to serve up some tips for soothing an anxious attachment flare while you’re searching for your Person.
How does an anxious attachment style affect dating?
Your attachment style is your nervous system’s “shortcut” for relating to others, especially in ambiguous situations.
If you have an anxious style, you may default to “clinging” or worrying about the security of your relationships. Your attachment system will become hyperaroused to protect you from rejection, especially when the other person sends unclear signals (e.g., saying they want to see you again but not immediately scheduling another date).
This process can be likened to an alarm bell ringing – your nervous system goes on high alert at the perceived threat of losing an attachment figure.
And sorry to be the bearer of obvious news, but dating includes lots and lots of ambiguity, i.e., countless opportunities for your anxious style to get triggered.
For example, if you don’t hear back from a love interest after you text them, you might find it hard to focus on work. You check your phone every few moments, fixating on why they’re not responding.
I bet I messed this one up. Was I too clingy?
They *did* seem a little bored on our date. Or maybe a little mad? Ugh, this is probably the beginning of the end.
Maybe I shouldn’t have texted so soon afterward. Or perhaps I waited too long to text? Gah, I never know how long to wait
As a result of your system going into “high alert,” you may follow a growing urge to get closer to your love interest (somehow! anyhow!) and secure the connection. For example, instead of waiting for them to respond to your first text, you might send additional texts like this:
Hi! Sorry, was that last text too soon? I didn’t mean to scare you away.
(A few minutes later, after no response and a growing urge to explain yourself) But I really like you! I had a really great time the other night. I would love to see you again. Free tonight?
(Later that evening, after not hearing back) Ok, I guess you’re ignoring me? I bet I screwed this up. Sorry. I can be a bit much. But also, I need a partner who will make me a priority.
Ok, let’s assume the cutie you were texting wasn’t responding because they were preoccupied with a work deadline. They *would* have responded to your first text had you given them a moment, but after seeing your second, third, and agitated fourth texts, they feel put off (read: surprised, overwhelmed, and a little unfairly accused) and opt not to respond.
And that, my friend, is what we call a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Le sigh.
Good news – there’s nothing wrong with you
Ok, is this what you’re thinking?
Yes, Jessica, that is exactly what I do! OMG, I am the WORST. Anxious attachment is the WORST. Dating is the WORST and I suck at it and I’m too needy and I will go climb in a hole and die now. #thankyouverymuchstoplookingatmenowbecauseIamtheworst
Before you shame spiral any further, please hear me out:
Anxious attachment is NOT a defect of character.
Nothing is wrong with you.
You are a good, loveable human being.
You came by this attachment style honestly.
An anxious attachment style is a natural response to receiving inconsistent care from previous primary attachment figures, including childhood caregivers and past partners. It’s an adaptive response to not getting your attachment needs met, likely in terrifying and painful ways.
It makes sense that you feel insecure and uncomfortable when dating considering your anxious attachment style, not to mention the fact that you’re human. Cuz dating is hard, yo. Even if you’re secure.
Why is anxious attachment so painful?
Even for those with a secure attachment style, the early stages of dating can stir a veritable cauldron of emotions. Dating requires us to tolerate high levels of uncertainty and powerlessness that can put even the most “well-adjusted” individuals on edge.
On a biological level, finding a partner can feel like a life-or-death issue. We need other human beings to survive and thrive, especially primary attachment figures; that’s a fancy term for the people who serve as “safe havens,” those we turn to when we’re emotionally distressed because we trust them to attend to our needs quickly and sensitively.
In other words, dating really, really matters to our primal brain, so it can feel high-stakes.
An anxious attachment style makes you more sensitive to the highs and lows of dating, leaving you feeling like you’re riding a rollercoaster without a safety bar.
Every new rejection activates all previous rejections and the core belief that you’ll never get the love you desperately seek.
Le sigh!
How do you calm an anxious attachment style while dating?
So the solution is to give up on finding love, right?
Nope nope nope. Sorry, not on my relationship-obsessed watch.
You need close relationships like you need food, water, and shelter. But I suspect you already knew that, given how hungry you are for a happy relationship.
No, the key isn’t to swear off intimacy altogether. Instead, your job is to embrace the fact that dating mega-activates your anxious attachment. Then, utilize your support network and self-soothing practices to stay the course while searching for your future Beloved.
1. Radically accept your attachment style
Radically accepting your anxious attachment style doesn’t mean you give up on developing a more secure style. It simply means committing to accepting (not denying or resisting) your style without judgment.
Paradoxically, embracing your anxious attachment style can help you build happier relationships.
Radically accepting your attachment style might sound something like this:
Yup, an anxious style is not what I would choose if I could, but that’s not really how life works. Instead of resisting my style (which only makes it worse), I will remember that it helped me survive my past relationships. I don’t like it and will do my best to heal it, but first and foremost, I radically accept it.
My favorite resource on radical acceptance is anything by Tara Brach, including and especially her book titled – you guessed it – Radical Acceptance.
2. Practice mindful self-compassion
If you’re anxiously attached, you may judge yourself to be “too much” or “needy” and therefore inferior to others, especially those who *appear* more secure (which includes avoidantly attached individuals, who often appear unaffected by distancing in relationships).
Unfortunately, such self-rejection only perpetuates anxious attachment.
Shame fuels insecure attachment. Love fuels secure attachment.
For that reason, I encourage you to find a practice you can use to transmute shame into self-love. One of my favorite tools for this is mindful self-compassion.
Mindful self-compassion (MSC) is a research-backed approach to self-healing and emotional resilience. Using it, you’ll turn towards yourself with openness, curiosity, kindness, and appreciation, especially when you’re suffering.
A mindful self-compassion approach to an anxious attachment flare might sound something like this:
This is a hard moment – I’m feeling very anxious that the person I *really* like is pulling away, which terrifies me. I don’t know how to feel ok right now, which sucks. But even though I feel alone, I’m not – many people struggle with anxious attachment just like me. I’m doing the best I can. And I am going to be as kind to myself as possible right now.
My favorite MSC tools include these meditations and this workbook.
Mindful self-compassion can be challenging at first, thanks to a phenomenon known as backdraft. Therefore, I recommend sticking with your MSC practice, even if it initially feels uncomfortable.
2. Reach out to non-romantic attachment figures
When you experience rejection or suspect a love interest is distancing, your anxious attachment style will hyperactivate your proximity-seeking instincts. Energy will fill your body, and you’ll fixate on ways to get closer to the other person. This is normal – remember, your attachment style is a primal defense against abandonment.
Now, as we saw above, expressing that immense attachment-securing energy via “protest behaviors” (like sending multiple texts one after the other) can end up biting you in the anxious butt.
For that reason, you’ll need to find less harmful ways of directing the survival-powered energy coursing through your sweet system.
I recommend contacting a non-romantic attachment figure when you feel the “urge to merge” with a love interest who appears to be withdrawing. That might mean calling, texting, or scheduling face-to-face time with a friend, family member, or therapist – anyone who helps you feel seen, loved, and emotionally supported.
Remember, attachment needs don’t have to be met solely through a romantic relationship. Leaning into your network of supportive connections can help bring calm amidst the storm of anxious attachment.
4. Date multiple people
This suggestion makes you immediately uncomfortable, huh? I hear you. But before you skip over this section, hear me out.
To find a happy relationship, you must manage your tendency to overinvest in a love interest. In other words, you’ll need a way to hold off on being “all in” on a mate *until* you determine they would make a good partner.
One way to do that is to date multiple people; doing so will give you more than one outlet to express the boundless proximity-seeking energy your sweet, overactivated attachment system provides. It’ll also stop you from building a hard-to-exit relationship with someone before properly vetting them.
I’m guessing you’re thinking:
But Jessica nooooooo! I feel sups uncomfortable dating more than one person. I just want to put all my energy into the person I like, otherwise, I feel weird, like I’m doing something wrong.
Ok, so obvi, don’t date multiple people if it violates your morals.
That said, remember that anxious attachment pushes you to secure a primary attachment figure at all costs. This may manifest as fixating on and hyper-attaching to one partner well before you’ve had a chance to assess whether they would make a good partner.
Take a moment to assess whether your discomfort with dating multiple people is values-based or anxious-attachment-oriented. If it’s more the latter, try dating multiple people until you are ready to commit to one person.
Doing so will allow you to use your anxious attachment energy in ways that support rather than harm your goals. For example, if you feel uneasy about whether one of your love interests will reach out and suggest a second date, try swiping, messaging a match, or going on a date with another potential mate.
While dating more than one person might feel uncomfortable or contrary to your instincts, think of it as a temporary measure to help regulate your attachment system’s energy and to prevent hyper-attaching to one person too soon. This way, you can pace the process of finding a long-term match.
You’ve got this — and you deserve love
Dating when you have an anxious attachment style can feel like walking on a high wire without a safety net.
While this attachment style often leads to a sense of unmet needs and feelings of insecurity, there are ways to soothe yourself during an anxious attachment flare and develop a more secure attachment style.
The goal isn’t to erase your anxious attachment style but to validate it and recognize its source.
Instead of criticizing yourself, focus on strategies to turn your overactive alarm system off. These include:
Radically accepting your attachment style
Practicing self-compassion
Reaching out to non-romantic attachment figures
Dating multiple people
With these approaches, you can find a loving, nurturing relationship regardless of your attachment style. Remember — you deserve healthy, lasting love.
Need help calming your anxious attachment style so that you can find love? Reach out for a free 30-minute consultation. Our team of intimacy-obsessed, attachment-savvy therapists is here to help.
