If you’ve found that your relationships develop at a romantic comedy pace, starting out intensely (or dragging along at a snail’s pace) only to fall apart messily, this series is for you. We’re talking all about how pacing can help you find a love that lasts.
Prefer to listen to this information? Tune into episode 4 of I Love You, Too.
In our first installment of this series, we discussed the importance of pacing in dating, which refers to intentionally adjusting the speed at which you move through the different stages of a relationship.
In the second installment, we explored how to pace dating to increase your chances of finding long-term love.
Today, we’LL answer these questions:
What are the signs that pacing is off in a new relationship?
What if your pacing doesn't match your partner's pacing?
What are some of the signs that pacing is off in a new relationship?
Now that we have a sense of the what and how of pacing, let’s talk about signs that a relationship is developing at an unhealthy pace.
Love bombing
Love bombers use extreme displays of attention and affection to influence a romantic partner. Frequently the intensity of the romantic gestures is only matched by the sudden and unexpected nature of the relationship’s end (think: ghosting, cheating, etc.) or the partner’s personality change (think Jekyll and Hyde).
Love bombing includes, as described by Natalie Lue of the blog, Baggage Reclaim, fast forwarding — “where someone sweeps you up in a tide of intensity when they’re pursuing you and you’re dating them and you end up missing crucial red flags.” This deprives you both of the important process of getting to know each other gradually in a variety of settings and progressively deepening vulnerability.
Another subset of love bombing is future faking - “when someone gives you the impression of a future so that they can get what they want in the present.” This includes conversations, comments, or behaviors that communicate they are all in on long-term commitment within the first few hours, days, weeks, or even months of a relationship. Remember — it takes at least a year to get a good sense of someone’s capacity to build a secure functioning relationship!
For example, a future faker might paint a picture of your future life together with 2.5 kids and a beautiful house, and a dog only a few dates into your relationship.
Or you might find yourself in a situationship with someone who separated from their spouse only weeks prior and is still living with their ex while they screw up the courage to ask for a divorce. They might say ”we haven't really been in love for a long time and we've talked about legally ending the marriage. But I want to keep seeing you, because I really see a future with you. You’re exactly the woman I’ve been looking for.”
Delaying the natural next step in the relationship’s development
Another sign that pacing is off in a relationship is delaying the natural next step.
For example, matching on an app and messaging for weeks or months before suggesting a date.
Delaying the natural next step can also include avoiding important conversations, including:
Acting like you’re in a relationship when no conversation about exclusivity or commitment has been made.
Avoiding status of the relationship conversations.
Hiding your dealbreakers until weeks, months, or years in.
Running hot and cold
Pacing is off if you’re unable to reliably predict when you’ll hear from or see your partner or what kind of mood they’ll be in when you’re together.
This includes behaviors like breadcrumbing, where someone replies to your texts and offers to spend time together enough to keep you coming back, but not enough for you to feel fed by the connection.
Unpredictability in relationships is a form of intermittent reinforcement, leaving you addicted to what is, as Ken Page puts it, an attraction of deprivation.
Rejecting early and often
For some, unhealthy pacing manifests as rarely getting past the first date or few because “I just wasn’t feeling it.”
This is often an expression of avoidant attachment, which includes a tendency to be hypercritical of potential mates as a defense mechanism. Those who lean avoidant are quick to assume that a connection doesn’t have much to offer them.
Rejecting early and often can also be the result of romantic notions that create unrealistic expectations, e.g. looking for “love at first sight” and bowing out if there isn’t an immediate spark.
Achieving relationship milestones at a romantic comedy pace
If a relationship makes you feel like you’re starring in a rom-com, proceed with caution. This might look like:
Going on an overnight trip for the second date.
Moving in after just a couple of months of dating.
Going on a second date a couple of months after the first.
Feeling like you’re on an emotional roller coaster.
Regarding the last point, a big tell that pacing is off is feeling ungrounded. Even if the relationship has moments of bliss, it’s not a good sign if you’re caught in an unpredictable cycle of extreme ups and downs.
To be clear, most people will experience some highs and lows in dating even if the pacing is on point. The important thing is to look at a particular relationship on balance over time. If you find that a relationship brings frequent swings between ecstasy and despair, that’s a red flag, whereas feeling largely grounded, respected, and connected is a green flag.
If you find your nervous system is outta whack when you connect with your love interest, that means something’s off.
You’ve stopped adulting
When pacing is off in a relationship, it’s not uncommon for people to stop taking care of themselves and their responsibilities.
For example, they:
Stop exercising.
Fail to pursue their life goals such as applying to grad school or training for a marathon.
Miss work.
Fall off the map, e.g. stop responding to friends.
How do we know when our dating pacing is on point?
Let’s return to our first pacing principle — to pace effectively, pause regularly.
Give yourself the time and space needed to check in with your mind and body. In particular, take note of your nervous system. When you consider your relationship and partner in mind, how does your body feel? Are you at an optimal level of arousal — stimulated and engaged but not overwhelmed? Or do you feel flooded, frozen, or disengaged?
Signs that pacing is on point include:
Gradually, progressively deepening levels of affection and vulnerability (not on full blast from the very beginning as in love bombing).
Actions matching words.
Consistency.
Making and following through on small promises (vs failing to follow through on big ones. E.g. “I’m going to pick you up at 8 pm” vs “We would make beautiful children together!”)
A sense that the relationship is gently but steadily developing (vs. hot/cold or start/stop)
You're having important conversations with one another with a sense of open-hearted ease (not anxiety or urgency).
You share dealbreakers out of a desire to ensure the connection is viable for both people (not out of urgency or as a form of future faking).
Giving connections time to develop (i.e. going on at least two dates provided no dealbreakers exist).
Feeling happy, calm, and at ease (on balance) as a result of relating to your partner.
Adulting, including maintaining self-care, continuing to pursue important goals, and maintaining friendships.
What if your pacing doesn’t match your partner’s pacing?
There are at least two people in any relationship, which means at least some of the time, your pacing may not match your partner's pacing. So what should you do if that happens?
Expect different pacing needs
You can assume that you and your potential mates will encounter different needs in terms of the pacing of your relationship. You’re different people, after all! Welcome to the simultaneous joy and challenge of intimate relationships.
Accepting this inevitability of pacing differences will lead to the natural next step — committing to communicating openly about your varying needs.
Communicate early and often about your pacing needs
In particular, I recommend communicating about your pacing early and often.
For example, let’s imagine a match reaches out after your great first date to suggest another get-together but suggests doing so several weeks in the future. You notice you’re anxious and disappointed by the potential extended gap between dates, as you know you won’t thrive in a relationship where you can’t see your partner relatively often.
You might feel as though it’s too early to make your desire for more time known. What if they experience you as clingy? But you’ve learned the importance of sharing your pacing needs early and often, so you take the plunge and send this text:
Hi! I had a great time on Saturday. Thanks for the boba 😊 I’m excited to see you again! Any chance you’re free sometime next week? Next month sounds like such a long time to wait to hang again! If you’re super busy, I’m happy to make it shorter date like a cup of coffee or even just a phone call.
In other words, you make your pacing needs known AND start a conversation where you can find a win-win. That’s a high-level relationship skill that you’re honing right from the beginning (because you’re a growth-oriented, hella-courageous human).
But Jessica, what about the clinginess thing?! I mean, won’t that response push some people away?
Yes, that response might be a lot for some people, including those who are overwhelmed, avoidant, or not actually interested in a relationship. In other words, people you weren’t going to build a deep, abiding connection with them in the long term anyway. Better to know now, right?
Your partner will be stoked to hear that you’re excited to see them again. They’ll recognize and appreciate your bid for connection as well as your outstanding communication skills. They will “yes, and” you by partnering to find a solution that meets both of your pacing needs.
Use your partner’s response to your pacing needs to assess your fit as a couple
Again, communicating pacing needs may feel scary, but it’s an excellent way to hone your skill of being in a relationship, which is all about finding ways for both people to feel cared for and respected.
It’s also an excellent way to get a sense of your relationship’s workability. Here are some questions to consider:
When either person suggests something that will impact the rate at which you’re bonding, how do you respond individually and as a couple?
Do you take care of one another?
Do you both communicate about what you want and need in terms of pacing?
When you set boundaries with one another around pacing, do you do so in a kind, compassionate manner?
Does your partner express their pacing needs rather than diminishing or aggressively asserting them?
Does your partner respect your boundaries?
Do you see one another’s pacing needs as valid and respond accordingly?
In answering these questions, you are assessing the health of what Stan Tatkin refers to as a two-person psychological system. Your capacity to join with your partner in finding a mutually agreeable pace reflects the overall capacity of your nervous systems to dance together in a satisfying way.
If you can’t compromise on pacing, you might not be a fit
If your pacing is wildly different from your love interest’s and you struggle to find a mutually agreeable middle, you may not be a match.
Healthy relationships feel like a dance, not a boxing match. There’s enough sameness, difference, and skill between you to feel a sense of fluid give and take.
If you feel like you’re working hard to compromise on your level of closeness and this leaves you feeling depleted, consider whether the relationship truly supports your well-being.
If your partner’s pace is concerning, set boundaries kindly yet firmly
It’s especially important to communicate your pacing needs openly if you see your love interest engage in troubling pacing behaviors such as love bombing or breadcrumbing.
In these cases, set boundaries that reflect your commitment to healthy pacing. If your partner responds negatively or disregards your boundaries, you may want to consider ending the relationship.
If you decide to end rather than deepen a relationship, take a moment to grieve. Then — when you’re ready — celebrate! Your next-level pacing skills saved you from a relationship that likely would have ended in heartbreak. You’re also that much closer to meeting your person.
TLDR: Intentionally pacing dating can help you find lasting love.
Signs that pacing is off in dating include love bombing, delaying the natural next step in the relationship’s development, running hot and cold, rejecting early and often, and achieving relationship milestones at a romantic comedy pace, and failure to adult, i.e take care of yourself or your adult responsibilities.
Signs that pacing is on point include a gradual deepening of intimacy, actions matching words, consistency, small promises, honest communication, feeling at ease, and self-care.
It’s normal for partners to have different pacing needs.
Communicate early and often about your pacing needs and observe how your partner responds.
If your partner displays questionable pacing tendencies and/or is unable to respect your pacing, consider ending the relationship.
Ready for real love? Unsure how to pace dating and find your person? Reach out now to get started with a dating expert who can lead the way.
