👂Prefer to listen to this content? Tune into the No Spark While Dating? Unpacking Attraction Myths episode of our podcast, I Love You, Too.
Hello, Dear Reader!
If you’re here, you might have experienced a few too many situations like the following:
You sit across a quaint cafe table from your on-paper-perfect mate, matcha latte warming your hands. The conversation flows as you chat about your astonishingly-shared-because-they’re-so-niche passions – word games (you both Wordle daily), cats that act like dogs (you named yours Quaffle), and botanical gardens (especially the tropical ones: oh my begonia!).
And yet, you have the niggling sense that something’s missing. Your date’s attractive, easy to talk to, and loves similar things. BUT…
Where, oh WHERE, is that mythical spark? Not AGAIN! you inwardly groan.
If that’s you, Dear Reader, you're in the right place. And you’re not alone – many, many singles feel perpetually perplexed because they rarely, if ever, feel the spark.
It’s possible to meet love interests you find interesting and attractive yet not feel that zing of chemistry.
Let's dive in together and explore this curious conundrum. We'll embark on:
The enigma of the "dating spark" and what it truly means.
The big question: Why do you rarely feel a spark with anyone?
Your path forward: What to do to cultivate a spark and when to move on.
Ready? Let’s get started with a deep dive into what the heck a spark actually is.
What is a “spark?”
“A spark usually refers to a strong romantic or sexual draw to another person.”
Typically, when people talk about feeling a “spark,” they’re attempting to wrap words around a hard-to-describe feeling of connection. In dating, a spark usually refers to a strong romantic or sexual draw to another person.
For some, a spark might manifest in a few ways:
Physically: e.g., butterflies in the stomach, an impulse to get closer, feeling turned on.
Emotionally: e.g., elation, excitement, or feeling deeply connected.
Mentally: e.g., imagining a future together, fantasizing about kissing, or imagining having sex.
Many look for a spark to determine whether a connection goes beyond friendship. They long to feel a particular romantic or sexual pull, something that transcends mundane, platonic love.
Others may conflate a spark with sexual chemistry.
And still others equate the spark with love at first sight.
Because the spark is so terribly subjective, it’s hard to say what, exactly, a spark is, but here are a few things that may contribute to a spark:
Physical attraction, i.e., lust
Pheromones
Cultural messaging about conventional standards of beauty
Love bombing or intermittent reinforcement (often part of unhealthy relationships)
Unresolved attachment trauma
Core erotic themes, i.e., turn-ons connected to formative sexual experiences
Should there be a spark when dating?
You might wonder how important it is to feel a spark when dating.
Is it okay to not feel a spark?
Let’s return to the potential spark contributors listed above to answer that. Did you notice that unhealthy relationship dynamics and unresolved trauma made it on that list?
In some relationships, a spark might be Evolution saying, Yes, please procreate with this human – your genes together would make a healthy child! In other words, you mesh pheremonally.
In other instances, however, a spark can indicate that the person you’re dating reminds you (unconsciously) of a past attachment figure who hurt you.
Trauma survivors sometimes confuse anxiety for a spark. If you had absent or critical attachment figures in the past, your nervous system might only feel at home in relationships where love is paired with inconsistency.
In addition, many happy long-term couples report that a strong spark wasn’t present at their relationship's start but developed over time. Often, these couples start as friends who feel a mild attraction that blossoms into deep desire with time.
For these reasons, a “spark” doesn’t necessarily predict long-term compatibility or the health of a relationship.
If your goal in dating is to have many short-term relationships characterized by intense attraction, pursuing those you immediately spark with makes sense.
That said, an immediate spark isn’t necessary if you’re dating to find a healthy, lasting relationship. As I mentioned, a strong spark might sometimes be a red flag.
Either way, if you yearn to feel a spark more frequently, read on!
Seven common reasons you rarely feel a spark (and what to do about it!)
If you are like many singles seeking me out for dating coaching or therapy, you’re eager to know why do I rarely feel a spark? And what can I do to increase my chances of sparking?
Before we discuss seven common spark blockers, let me reassure you that you’re not alone. It’s not unusual to feel like I never meet anyone I’m actually into!
I recommend reading each of the following reasons people don’t feel a spark, even if some don’t apply to you. The more you understand why some people struggle to feel a spark, the more quickly you’ll bounce back when someone you like says, Sorry, I just don’t feel a spark.
1. The Sex and the City fallacy
The Tell
You expect to feel attracted to most people you go out with.
When you aren’t attracted to those you date, you wonder what’s wrong with you, them, or men/women/singles.
I loved the show “Sex and the City.” That said, I don’t love its depiction of modern dating. Carrie Bradshaw’s fictional New York dripped with conventionally attractive singletons, giving viewers the impression that typical dating means romantic opportunities galore.
I call this the Sex and the City fallacy. You can tell you fall prey to this fallacy if you expect dating to include many dates and casual sex with a seemingly endless glut of beautiful, cosmopolitan people.
Or even more subtly, you might expect to feel a spark with one out of every few dates.
“I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but many people have to swipe, message, and date more than a few people to find a spark.”
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but many people have to swipe, message, and date more than a few people to find a spark.
In that way, the aphorism, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince isn’t wrong.
How to address this:
Set realistic expectations. Recognize that going on a dozen dates and only finding one person you’re attracted to is within the realm of normal.
Treat dating as a marathon, not a sprint. Develop a dating strategy that supports a sustainable pace and self-care.
Qualify your leads. Since connecting with numerous people will be part of dating, find ways to filter out people who aren’t a fit sooner. Name dealbreakers in your profile, ask values-based questions, and suggest phone calls or video dates before meeting in person.
2. Asexuality
The tell
You’ve rarely or never felt attracted to other people.
Conversations about who’s “hot” or crushworthy make you feel confused or bored.
You only feel sexual attraction after forming an emotional bond with someone.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation defined by little to no sexual attraction to individuals of any gender.
If you are asexual, you may rarely or never have the experience of walking down the street or seeing someone on a dating app and thinking Ooh, yeah, I want to have sex with that person!
Similarly, you may find yourself rarely or never feeling a “spark” with people you date, even if you like them or have romantic feelings for them.
“Asexuality is neither a disorder nor sex aversion. It’s a beautiful expression of the human sexual orientation rainbow. ”
Keep in mind, asexuality is not the same as celibacy, which is a choice, nor is it a sexual desire disorder.
Asexuality is a vast orientation with a LOT of subidentities. For example, demisexuals feel sexual attraction only after developing a close emotional bond with an individual.
The best way to determine whether this orientation applies to you is to educate yourself and read the stories of asexuals.
Again, I want to emphasize that asexuality is neither a disorder nor sex aversion. It’s a beautiful expression of the human sexual orientation rainbow.
How to address this:
Learn about asexuality. Connect with the asexual community through sites like AVEN. Many asexual individuals only discover or fully understand their sexuality after hearing the stories of other asexuals.
Develop a dating approach that honors your sexuality. After getting clearer about your asexual identity, adjust your dating strategy accordingly. Remember, many asexual individuals date and enjoy committed, happy relationships both with and without sex. Others feel happiest focusing on platonic connections and solo sex or celibacy. The choice is yours.
3. Dating anxiety
The tell
You feel so nervous on dates that you clam up, talk incessantly, blush, tremble, mind blank, or sweat profusely.
You feel terrified that you’ll make a fool of yourself or get rejected.
You obsess about everything you “did wrong” after going on a date.
To understand how dating anxiety blocks a spark in dating, we must first understand fight/flight/freeze.
What AI thinks it might look like for cartoon Jeff Goldblum to hit on cartoon Alison Brie while they run from a tiger (why Alison Brie? You’ll have to listen to our podcast episode to find out 😉)
Imagine you’re running from a tiger. Now, imagine your celebrity crush appears.
Oh, hey, Jeff Goldblum! (c’mon, stop pretending my weird celebrity crush is stranger than yours.)
Running alongside you, your crush starts propositioning you. Like, hard (pun unintended). They send unambiguous signals that they want to have sex, and now.
How likely are you to feel turned on in that moment?
Ummm, Jeff, I’m really flattered and all; I do find your brainy, weird scientist vibe strangely intriguing, but now’s not a good time.
Most people would say, I’m unlikely to feel aroused in that circumstance. And from a biological perspective, that makes sense. When we feel threatened, our nervous systems turn off all physical drives that won’t help us stay safe. That includes the impulse to have sex.
Okay, so what does this have to do with dating? If you have dating anxiety, the fear of rejection, or humiliation in dating situations, you may be in a low-level fight, flight, freeze, or collapse state on dates.
“Just as if you were escaping a tiger, you’re not likely to access your turn-on if you’re feeling extremely anxious on a date. ”
Remember, this doesn’t mean you’re confusing your date for a tiger and literally running away from them. Instead, a stressed state on a date might look like mind-blanking, sweating, avoiding eye contact, or struggling to flirt.
Just as if you were escaping a tiger, you’re not likely to access your turn-on if you’re feeling extremely anxious on a date. That means dating anxiety can easily and quickly snuff out a spark even (and perhaps especially) with people you find especially attractive.
How to address this:
Get therapy. Crippling anxiety on dates may indicate that you struggle with social anxiety disorder. Working with a dating or social anxiety therapist can help you build confidence and reduce stress enough to access your “spark.”
Balance challenge with soothing. To increase your confidence, expand your comfort zone. Gently. Slowly. In a way you can tolerate. I recommend using exposure therapy (hopefully with the guidance of your social anxiety therapist!). Listen to our first episode for more tips on gaining confidence by balancing challenges with soothing.
4. Unrealistic standards
The Tell
You always seem to find something you don’t like about dates, even if you start out feeling excited about them.
You tend to be hard on yourself and those around you.
Your loved ones tell you that you're too picky regarding potential mates.
Some people struggle to feel a spark due to having unrealistic standards for a potential mate.
If this is you, chances are you have a lengthy, fixed picture of what your ideal mate will look like, one that disqualifies 99.9% of your suitors.
A detailed, unrealistic set of standards sometimes reflects familial or cultural pressures. It can be a feature of avoidant attachment, which we’ll discuss below.
Either way, a long list of must-haves will set you up to disengage as soon as your date doesn’t tick one of many boxes.
You might now be thinking, but Jessica, what’s wrong with having standards?
Standards are great! Those who’ve had few healthy relationships often need to identify and raise their standards – i.e., having a more extended list – to find a satisfying relationship.
That said, there is such a thing as a standards sweet spot. And unrealistic standards are no one’s friend.
Unfortunately, “maximizers” – people who obsess over their decisions and optimize endlessly in the hopes of finding the “best of the best” – tend to be less satisfied with their choices than “satisficers.” Satisficers have high standards but choose after seeing a few quality options; they know that endlessly seeking perfection will only rob them of their joy.
“Seeking the optimal partner according to a long list of traits may counterintuitively stop you from finding an excellent relationship or feeling satisfied with your choice of partner.”
In other words, seeking the optimal partner according to a long list of traits may counterintuitively stop you from finding an excellent relationship or feeling satisfied with your choice of partner.
Moreover, human beings are generally pretty terrible at identifying the kind of partner they’ll be happy with. Listen to our What to Look for in a Long-Term Partner episode to learn the surprising research contrasting the traits people tend to “swipe right” on versus those that make someone an excellent long-term partner. Spoiler alert — people tend to look for qualities that are easily and quickly identifiable (e.g., height, a particular career, race) but don’t contribute to relationship success.
How to address this:
Write your list of desired traits. If you haven’t already written down everything you’re looking for in a partner, do that now. I recommend downloading and completing our What to Look for in Partner free guide.
Reprioritize your list. Using the information in our free guide and What to Look for in a Long Term Partner episode, prioritize your list into requirements, strong desires, and nice-to-haves. Hopefully, your requirements comprise just a small subsection of your original list.
Connect with anyone who meets just your requirements list. Next, swipe right, message, and go on dates with people who satisfy your (now hopefully shortish) Must-Haves list, even if they don’t have any or all of your Strongly-Desired and Nice-to-Have traits. Default to going on multiple dates with the understanding that a spark might not be present immediately. Keep building a relationship until you discover a deal breaker or fail to build any attraction over several dates.
5. Avoidant attachment
The tell
You pride yourself on being self-reliant.
You’re uncomfortable around people who seem emotional or “needy.”
You tend to keep a mental list of your partner’s flaws when in a relationship.
You never seem to get past a certain level of commitment or closeness.
An avoidant attachment style is a style of relating characterized by a fear of and aversion to closeness. Avoidantly attached folx have a strong sense of independence and feel overwhelmed by emotional intimacy. This style typically develops after an individual’s emotional needs are ignored, dismissed, or criticized in a formative relationship.
(If you don’t know your attachment style(s), we recommend Diane Poole Heller’s attachment styles assessment).
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may unconsciously find ways to keep people at a distance. This can manifest as a long list of unrealistic standards, which, as discussed above, can eliminate relationships where a spark might develop with a bit of patience.
“Avoidant attachment also manifests in dating as not feeling much for anyone or being “slow to warm.””
Avoidant attachment also manifests in dating as not feeling much for anyone or being “slow to warm.” Dissociation is a big part of this attachment style, as avoidants learned, often very early, to disconnect from their bodies and attachment needs. If that’s the case for you, you may spark with people but not know it.
If you identify as anxiously attached, remember that this may still apply if you have unconscious avoidant attachment. As we mentioned in our 7 Surprising Truths about Attachment Styles episode, some anxious attachers only contact their avoidant side when they stop pursuing avoidant mates. In the presence of an emotionally available mate, their avoidant defenses rear up and send sneaky signals to distance, often in the form of suddenly feeling “meh” about their date or disqualifying them for small things.
How to address this:
Develop secure attachment. Thankfully, your attachment style is malleable. You can learn how to feel more comfortable with intimacy, increasing the chances of feeling a spark on dates. Listen to our How to develop a more secure attachment style episode.
Identify your partner’s strengths. To counter your unconscious tendency to keep close tabs on your partner’s flaws, actively look for the things you appreciate about them.
Go on multiple dates. Since you may generally be slow to warm, stop pressuring yourself to feel strongly about someone after just one date. Go on as many dates as needed to confirm that no spark is present, and remain open to the idea that attraction may emerge once you’ve developed trust.
6. An ineffective dating strategy
The Tell
You don’t know what you’re looking for in a partner
You only seem to date people who are not a good fit on multiple levels.
You say yes to anyone interested because your options seem so scarce.
Sometimes, rarely feeling the spark simply reflects an ineffective dating strategy.
A dating strategy is your approach to finding, connecting with, and dating other singles.
Your strategy may be off if you’re not dating people you’re excited about.
For example, you may not know what you want in a partner. This is common, particularly for those with limited dating and relationship experience. A lack of clarity about what you’re seeking will set you up to date people just because they’re available or because they fit the picture of a dateable person you learned from family, culture, or popular media.
Dating strategy also includes where you go to meet singles. Are you putting yourself in spaces that attract the people you’re likely to spark with? For example, are you trying to meet people at bars or concerts when you tend to spark more with introverts who enjoy quieter activities?
A poor dating strategy can also include struggles to communicate what you’re looking for in a way that attracts the kind of person you’d spark with. For example, if you try hard not to come off as a needy try-hard in your online dating profile (I love to have fun and laugh! Looking to have fun and open to more developing, just as long as you get me all the tacos!) but you’re looking for a serious, long-term relationship, is it any wonder you’re getting on dates with people who just don’t feel like your person?
An ineffective dating strategy sets you up to date people you’re not interested in out of a fear of scarcity.
If your dating strategy fails to connect you with people who would be a good fit, of course, you won’t feel a spark!
How to address this:
Clarify what you’re looking for. Again, I recommend using our What to Look for in Partner free guide to develop a clear sense of your ideal mate. This is the foundation of your dating strategy.
Think like your ideal mate. When deciding where to go to meet potential mates, how to write your profile, which apps to be on, etc., put yourself in your hypothetical ideal mate’s shoes. Where are they spending time? What profile copy and pictures would excite them?
Filter your potential mates. Now that you have a list of dealbreakers don’t be afraid to say “no” to matches that don’t fit your list of requirements. This is especially true if you were saying “yes” to most or all matches previously out of a sense of scarcity.
7. The context is a turn-off
The Tell
You feel stressed by standard date settings or conversations.
You typically only feel sexual desire under certain circumstances.
You generally need things to be “just right” to let your walls come down.
Emily Nagoski, one of my favorite sex educators, speaks frequently about the importance of context in sexual desire.
Context refers to both the external circumstances and your internal state.
So, on a date, the context includes the date's setting and your mindset.
If you’re in a setting that doesn’t feel particularly pleasurable, it may be hard for you to feel a “spark” (especially if, for you, “sparking” means feeling a desire to get sexually intimate).
For example, let’s say that standard first-date settings such as bars or cafes feel overwhelming for your highly-sensitive system. And perhaps you’re finding yourself there after a long day at work, meaning your inner state is exhaustion and stress. Add to that the interview-like conversational style that comes with some first dates, and you have not one but three things turning you off.
This can be related to having sensitive sexual arousal “breaks” — like driving a car with sensitive breaks, you might find that small things can inhibit your desire for sex. These things can include an unpleasant smell, too much noise, early dating awkwardness, or lingering stress from the work day.
It can also be related to responsive desire, which is sexual desire that arises in response to pleasure rather than spontaneously.
Spontaneous desire is the kind that pops out of nowhere, like you’re doing laundry and suddenly, you want to have sex.
Responsive desire is the kind where sex is nowhere near the top of your mind, then your partner invites you to cuddle on the couch, and after a nice long kiss, your body goes, Oooh yes, please, I want more of that!
Or in dating, responsive desire might be sitting with a glass of wine over a homemade meal your love interest made for you. Candles lit, they gaze at you and hold your hand. And in the delicious sea of all that pleasure, your body starts to say Oooh yes, please, I want more!
Most people experience both spontaneous and responsive desire, but a subsection of the population only experiences responsive desire.
(Oh, and if you’re worried about what a lack of spontaneous desire means, I have good news for you – responsive desire is associated with greater satisfaction in long-term relationships!)
All of which means context matters when it comes to sparking.
How to address this:
Go on dates in pleasurable settings. If loud bars or busy cafes stress you, suggest a quieter, more relaxing environment such as a park or a night in. If sitting and talking raises your anxiety, suggest an activity you’d enjoy, such as hiking or playing a game. The more pleasurable the environment and activity, the more likely you’ll feel a spark.
Cultivate a positive mindset before dates. Schedule dates at a time when you’re likely to be relaxed and emotionally present. If you’re going on a date before or after work, use self-care practices that help you shift from a work mindset, such as meditation, exercise, napping, or bathing. Use mindful self-compassion to adopt a self-loving attitude. The more you like you, the more available you’ll be to feel a spark with someone else.
Get to know what turns you on and off. If you know what hits your sexual “breaks,” you can choose settings and activities more likely to spark your desire for your date. Think back to past peak moments when you felt sparks fly and take note of the context (i.e., external circumstances and your internal state). To further understand your turn-ons, I recommend reading and completing the exercises in Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are.
TLDR
The 'spark' in dating often refers to a strong romantic or sexual attraction, but its presence varies among individuals.
It can show:
Physically: Butterflies, closeness urges.
Emotionally: Elation, deep connection.
Mentally: Imagining futures, intimacy fantasies.
Factors ranging from pheromones to societal standards to unresolved traumas contribute to a spark.
Not all lasting relationships start with a spark; it might develop over time. Sometimes, a strong initial spark can even be a warning sign.
Seven common reasons for rarely feeling a spark include:
Sex and the City Fallacy
The Tell: High expectations of frequent, spark-heavy romantic encounters.
Solution: Adjust expectations, consider dating a long-term journey, and filter potential matches effectively.
Asexuality
The Tell: Limited or no sexual attraction towards others.
Solution: Understand asexuality and modify dating approaches accordingly.
Dating Anxiety
The Tell: Intense nervousness or anxiety during dates.
Solution: Get therapy and gradually extend your comfort zone in dating situations.
Unrealistic Standards
The Tell: Being overly selective or having unattainable standards.
Solution: Focus on essential qualities in partners and remain open to developing attractions.
Avoidant Attachment
The Tell: A strong sense of independence, discomfort around emotional people, and difficulty with deep commitment.
Solution: Cultivate secure attachment, highlight partners’ positive attributes, and avoid making hasty decisions.
Ineffective Dating Strategy
The Tell: Unclear partner preferences, frequently dating unsuitable individuals, and accepting most dates due to perceived scarcity.
Solution: Define ideal partner characteristics, tailor dating strategy to desired partner type, and select dates based on genuine compatibility.
Context is a Turn-off
The Tell: Discomfort in standard dating environments and needing specific settings to feel attraction.
Solution: Choose more agreeable dating settings, mentally prep for dates, and recognize personal attraction cues. Consider resources like Nagoski’s book for deeper insights.
Ready for real love? Reach out now to get started with a dating expert who can lead the way.
