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Can you believe it? Over 70% of adults have undergone at least one major trauma.
Yowzas.
Unresolved trauma is the #1 most common yet under-recognized obstacle that I see stopping singles from finding lasting love, hands down.
As a trauma survivor (dare I say thriver?) and trauma-informed dating therapist with over a decade of experience, I'm no stranger to the Herculean effort that’s required to build loving relationships after abuse, betrayal, and other blows to the heart.
So take heart, fellow survivor – though challenging, finding healthy love after trauma is possible with the proper support and tools. 💗
That’s what this article is all about.
As a happy side effect, the benefits of finding your way through trauma extend beyond finding a loving partner. Healing trauma will allow you to live with greater joy and presence in all areas of life, not just your love life.
Before we dive into the common signs that trauma is at play in dating and how to find love post-trauma, let’s explore why many people fail to recognize that trauma is the root cause of your dating difficulties.
Free Quiz: Is Unresolved Trauma Stopping You From Finding Love?
Expanding our perception of trauma
For most people, “trauma” conjures images of a limited set of life-threatening experiences — often dramatic and horrifying events like war, car accidents, or natural disasters. Western society acknowledges these big ‘T’ traumas can leave lasting scars on an individual's psyche.
Unfortunately, this narrow definition of trauma fails to recognize other overwhelming experiences that profoundly impact human beings.
For example, relational traumas like growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent shape an individual’s perception of love and relationships in complex, lasting ways. Many adults who grew up in dysfunctional homes (aka adult children) repeat the toxic intergenerational patterns they learned in childhood and struggle to feel happy in their relationships.
Such little ‘t’ traumas impact individuals profoundly and, in some cases, are more challenging to resolve than the big ‘T’ traumas. Yet, due to society’s narrow definition of trauma, many people don’t realize they are survivors.
In truth, trauma is subjective – what one person experiences as traumatic might not disturb another similarly.
In addition to expanding the definition of trauma, our culture could use an expanding perception of what it looks like to live with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The representation of trauma in popular media, characterized by the classic depiction of PTSD flashbacks — like a war veteran spiraling into a vivid flashback after a trigger like a car exhaust backfire or fireworks — doesn't entirely encapsulate what living with trauma looks like for most individuals.
“Trauma survivors are more likely to experience symptoms than concrete memories.”
According to trauma expert Janina Fisher, trauma survivors are more likely to experience symptoms than concrete memories. In that way, “flashbacks” are not always visual replays of the original trauma; instead, they manifest as confusing feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.
Unresolved trauma lingers within the unconscious mind, hidden behind a dissociative barrier. Though seemingly dormant, such traumas erupt in confusing and often distressing ways when the survivor encounters reminders of the original trauma.
Navigating life with PTSD is like walking through a minefield — a bomb of overwhelming and painful thoughts and feelings could go off at any moment.
Now that you have a more nuanced understanding of trauma — its various forms and complex manifestations — let’s explore how traumas, whether big ‘T’ or little ‘t,’ shape our everyday interactions, especially in dating.
How does trauma affect dating?
In dating, unresolved trauma can unwittingly become a silent partner, subtly shaping your interactions and relationships in ways you might not even be fully aware of.
Imagine you’re on a date and suddenly start to shut down. You really like your date yet struggle to flirt or converse easily.
And it’s not one of those fleeting moments of dating anxiety that most people experience; it’s another type of nervousness entirely, the kind that stops you from being You.
Perhaps underneath this shutdown of your authenticity and playful spirit lurks the old, yet still vivid, experience of being bullied as a teen.
Or maybe it’s connected to the lingering heartbreak from the end of your last relationship that has left you terrified of getting close to another human being again.
Or perhaps you struggle to flirt because you grew up with a mother who was cold and critical, especially when you were at your most playful and expressive.
These instances of trauma, like ghosts, can emerge from the corners of your memory, casting a shadow over what should be a joyful and exciting experience. And all without you even realizing it’s there.
Unresolved trauma fundamentally alters the lens through which you view the world, narrowing your perspectives and making you less open and available for the kind of intimacy that healthy relationships thrive upon.
Some individuals experience what's known as post-traumatic relationship syndrome, where past relationship traumas affect their current ability to trust, connect, or commit.
Without even entering our conscious awareness, unhealed wounds can stop you from trusting others and accurately assessing your budding relationships' health and long-term viability. Trauma-based projections can prevent you from seeing people clearly and forming nurturing connections.
If you persistently struggle with dating and finding that special person, unable to pinpoint the exact cause of your difficulties, it might be time to delve deeper. Consider whether trauma might be at play, subtly influencing your dating experiences in ways you haven't realized.
Free Quiz: Is Unresolved Trauma Stopping You From Finding Love?
What are the signs that trauma may be at play in dating?
If you’re wondering how to tell whether trauma is stopping you from finding love, here are common behaviors trauma survivors exhibit when dating:
Anxiety during Interactions: Feeling noticeably anxious during dates or conversations with attractive individuals, exhibiting symptoms such as blushing, trembling, or difficulty speaking.
Difficulty with Vulnerability: Struggling to let one's guard down and open up to potential partners, possibly feeling turned off by those who express genuine interest and care.
Sexual Issues: A tendency to rush into physical intimacy or recoil from it, even when desired, possibly accompanied by other sexual dysfunctions.
Chronic Singleness: Experiencing prolonged periods of singleness despite a desire for a relationship, often having first dates that rarely progress to second dates or relationships.
Avoidance Behaviors: Avoiding dating altogether, not initiating contact with people one finds attractive, or frequently ghosting potential partners.
Compulsive Behaviors: Obsessively engaging with and then impulsively deleting online dating apps or using various coping mechanisms such as substances or shopping to deal with feelings surrounding dating or being single.
Feelings of Hopelessness: Harboring chronic hopelessness about finding a healthy relationship, often accompanied by low self-esteem and negative self-beliefs about one's desirability.
Hypercritical Tendencies: Holding unrealistic or rigid expectations about potential partners, often focusing more on perceived flaws than strengths.
Doubt and Dissatisfaction: Constantly feeling unsure about committing to the person one is dating, struggling to understand what constitutes a "normal" or "healthy" relationship.
Attachment Issues: Exhibiting insecure attachment styles in relationships, possibly characterized by fears of commitment or abandonment and involvement in "roller coaster" relationships filled with drama.
Review Common Dating Struggles that Trauma Survivors Experience for an even more expansive list of signs that trauma may be at play in dating.
Can you date while healing from trauma?
After reading that list of common struggles trauma survivors experience, you might wonder, Can trauma survivors have healthy relationships?
Yes! Absolutely.
It's common for trauma survivors to feel 'too broken' for a relationship, but healing and loving connections are possible with time, patience, and support.
I have seen many survivors date and build happy, healthy relationships post-trauma.
Dating with a broken heart requires patience, understanding, and the willingness to be vulnerable again, even if it feels daunting.
When can I start dating after trauma?
Navigating the dating world after experiencing trauma can feel like finding your footing on constantly shifting ground. During such times, it is imperative to prioritize your well-being above everything else.
You may wonder, When can I start dating post-trauma?
Let’s talk first about the signs that it’s not time to start dating. Because sometimes, it's more appropriate to focus solely on your recovery without adding the potentially significant stress dating can bring.
Suppose you struggle with self-care and fail to relate to yourself and others kindly and mindfully. In that case, that’s a signal to turn your focus inward and concentrate on your recovery journey first.
Moreover, if the mere thought of dating sparks overwhelming reactions that leave you stressed most of the time, work on stabilizing yourself and establishing a solid foundation of safety within before stepping out into the dating world.
On the flip side, if you can practice self-care, relate mindfully, and lean into your tools and support network to process any PTSD flares, you are in an excellent position to start dating.
You don’t need to heal all of your trauma before dating. In fact, there’s a good chance that’s not possible.
We are wounded in relationship, and we heal in relationship. Building caring relationships where we can have healing, corrective experiences is vital to healing trauma.
Emotional healing can occur while you're in a relationship, provided the relationship is supportive understanding, and prioritizes open communication.
So, provided you have enough recovery on board to relate to yourself and your love interests mindfully, dating may be the very thing that heals your traumatized heart.
How to date in a healthy way after trauma
At this point, you might wonder what it means to date mindfully. What does it look like to date in a healthy way after trauma?
Let’s start at the beginning – how to get started searching for your person post-trauma.
How do I start dating after trauma?
Embarking on dating after trauma requires a blend of courage and self-care. Here’s what I recommend:
Secure Strong Supports: Prioritize working with a trauma-oriented therapist, ideally someone specializing in dating dynamics. Their guidance can be a steadying force as you navigate the dating landscape.
Develop an Exposure Hierarchy: Crafting this roadmap can be a crucial step in your healing process, serving as a structured guide towards finding love again. It helps set realistic milestones, allowing you to gradually and comfortably immerse yourself in the dating world.
Take Baby Steps: As you venture into the dating world, remember that it’s not only okay but encouraged to take small, measured steps. View each progressive step as a testament to your resilience and an affirmation of your journey forward.
Acknowledge the Snowball Effect: While the initial stages of exposure work might seem slow and perhaps even discouraging, remember that your comfort and confidence will grow exponentially as you continue. The initial baby steps will gradually lead to more significant strides, creating a momentum that makes the process more natural and less daunting over time.
Balance Challenge with Soothing: This step involves fine-tuning your approach to balance the challenges that come with dating with moments of soothing and self-care. For more insights on striking this delicate balance, read this or listen to the first episode of the I Love You, Too podcast, where we delve deeper into this topic.
Pace Yourself: Throughout this journey, it's vital to stay attuned to your inner needs, responding with kindness and understanding. Recognizing when to push forward and when to pause is a crucial skill in nurturing yourself during this process.
How do I stop past trauma from ruining my relationships?
Okay, let’s assume you’ve courageously started dating. It’s exciting but very challenging, in no small part thanks to your past experiences. You might worry, How do I stop past trauma from ruining my relationships and keeping me from lasting love?
To begin with, it's critical to steer clear of some common pitfalls that survivors often encounter while dating post-trauma.
The don’ts: Common mistakes survivors make when dating after trauma
Here’s what to avoid when dating after trauma:
Trauma Dumping: This entails sharing traumatic experiences without considering whether the other person is prepared or willing to hear them. Imagine, on a first date, being asked about your closeness with your family and diving straight into the deep waters of tragic family histories. While it might seem like a way to build a connection, it can sometimes overwhelm the budding dynamics of a new relationship.
Mistaking shared trauma for compatibility: It's not uncommon for two individuals, both carrying the wounds of past traumas, to feel a quick, deep connection when they share their stories prematurely. This synergy of anxiety and desire that many survivors experience can mistakenly feel like a sign of a perfect match, a sensation that echoes the complex emotions they've known in past traumatic relationships. However, it's vital to pace yourself and recognize that a genuinely compatible relationship grows over time and is not solely grounded in shared traumas.
Failing to pace your relationships: Many survivors experienced profound boundary violations in the past; this and the emotional dysregulation accompanying PTSD may make it difficult for them to set appropriate boundaries in intimate relationships. This can lead to pacing issues, such as moving too quickly or slowly to form healthy connections.
The do’s: How to date mindfully while healing trauma
Here are a few ways to date mindfully and prevent trauma from ruining your relationships:
See dating as your heroine’s journey: Embrace dating as a potent pathway to heal from trauma and evolve into a more powerful version of yourself.
Pause before acting: Whenever you notice strong reactions emerging in response to dating experiences, use those instances to process the trauma material arising before responding or making any big decisions.
Pace yourself: Pacing dating is my #1 tool for dating in a healthy way as a trauma survivor. This entails honing various skills like reconnecting with your body and intuition, practicing assertive communication, and engaging in mindful self-inquiry.
Get hip to your patterns: As part of this pacing, recognize your trauma symptoms and understand how they influence your relational patterns. What are you avoiding? What do you need to do differently to break that pattern? Be willing to venture out of your comfort zone to break old habits, even if the new experiences feel uneasy.
Go to therapy: Working with a trauma-informed therapist who can guide you effectively through your hero’s journey is vital.
Rewrite your story: With the help of your therapist, connect the dots between your reactions and past experiences, fostering a deeper understanding of your responses.
Take breaks: As you date, you will inevitably have experiences that stir deep-seated emotions and memories. When this happens, it's entirely acceptable to pause your dating endeavors so that you can process the trauma material that arises.
Practice self-compassion: Throughout this journey, practice mindful self-compassion, allowing yourself the grace and space to heal and grow.
Preventing past trauma from derailing your relationships is a conscious, continual journey of self-awareness, healing, and growth. You can pave the way for healthier, happier relationships through patience and compassionate self-care.
TLDR
Over 70% of adults have experienced trauma, which can profoundly influence dating patterns and relationship dynamics.
Though trauma shapes our interactions and self-perceptions, healing is possible, and survivors can find love post-trauma.
Mindful dating, understanding trauma's signs, and prioritizing self-care are crucial in the journey to healthy relationships post-trauma.
After trauma, returning to the dating scene requires patience, self-awareness, and a balance of challenge and self-care. Some key points to remember:
Work with a trauma-informed therapist who understands dating dynamics.
Develop an exposure hierarchy to reintroduce yourself to dating slowly.
Take small steps and celebrate your progress.
Avoid pitfalls like sharing traumas too soon or mistaking shared trauma for compatibility.
Engage in mindful dating, recognizing and addressing trauma symptoms, and taking breaks as needed.
View dating as a healing journey, practice self-compassion, and strive for personal growth.
Feeling lost about how to start dating after trauma? We can help. Apply for a free 30-minute consultation here. Our Care Coordinator will listen deeply to your struggles and match you with your best-fit trauma-oriented dating therapist.
