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On your Saturday stroll to your favorite chai spot, you run into that cutie pie from your yoga studio. As they wave hi and head over to chat, you think, This is my chance! My dating coach tells me I need to flirt more, so let’s do this!
As you catch up and banter, you make a point to give them a playful Elaine-from-Seinfeld push when they crack a joke about your yoga teacher. You then compliment their earrings, holding eye contact longer than usual, and ask what they’re up to the rest of the day. They look down at their phone and say, Oh, gosh, I’m actually late to see a friend – catch you later!
As they run off, you wonder, Did they pick up on the fact that I was flirting? Or worse, did I come on too strong and creep them out?
If you feel confused about how to flirt well, you’re not alone. As a dating coach and therapist, I regularly speak with singles who feel lost when it comes to expressing romantic interest, particularly in the #MeToo era.
Sadly, the dating advice-o-sphere includes a lot of flirtation tactics that can only be described as yucky.
You know the ones I’m talking about – quick seduction tricks, pickup artistry, books like The Rules, etc. Much of the popular content about flirting is covertly and, at times, overtly sexist, misogynistic, and dehumanizing.
No more, I say! I call for a flirtation revolution!!!!! Vive la flirty résistance!
That’s what this article is about – radically humanized and humanizing flirtation. We’ll touch (pun intended) on:
What is flirting? And why is it important?
What does it mean to flirt like a feminist?
How do you flirt without being creepy?
What if you feel too shy to flirt?
What is flirting?
In a moment, we’ll dive into a fun, feminist take on flirtation. For contrast, let’s first review some drier, more standard explanations of flirtation – what it is and why it’s essential.
In The Five Flirting Styles, communications professor Jeffrey Hall says flirtation is “when one person expresses romantic or sexual interest in another person, is the target of such an expression, or is just engaged with another person in trying to figure out whether the feeling is mutual.”
Why is flirting important?
Evolutionary biologists argue that flirting allows human beings to assess sexual compatibility without having sex. In other words, it’s a low-risk, low-cost way to check a potential partner out without actually having sex, which could lead to babies, STIs, and more.
While this evolutionary perspective makes logical sense, it’s missing heart. Seeing flirtation as an evaluative process in service of an evolutionary, biological drive leaves out a big piece of the human experience pie. Flirtation isn’t just about furthering a bloodline; it’s about connecting and bonding.
Furthermore, flirtation gurus tend to co-opt evolutionary perspectives to justify seduction tactics that lack integrity. You know the ones I’m talking about.
They assert that men are aggressive, natural hunters while women are submissive prey. Men should show their social dominance using confident body language, negging, and peacocking. Women, on the other gender essentialist hand, should play hard to get, displaying their submission and fertility through coy smiles, hair twirls, and revealing clothing.
Never mind if you’re queer, trans, or a person who doesn’t ascribe to traditional gender roles.
Sorry, is my snark showing? I’ll try to hide that a bit more. I know it’s not becoming.
Just kidding, I’ll gladly call a sexist spade a sexist spade.
“The whole idea that “men are wired to hunt, and women are wired to be submissive” is hoo-haw.”
Researchers like Jean Smith, author of The Flirt Interpreter, agree that the whole idea that “men are wired to hunt, and women are wired to be submissive” is hoo-haw. In her thesis, which explores flirtation behaviors across cultures, she points out that in egalitarian Stockholm, men and women flirt similarly. Without confining gender roles, women are as likely as men to approach and initiate flirtation.
The (feminist’s redefined) goal of flirting
As a feminist, I’m interested in finding a definition of flirtation that emphasizes mutuality, generosity, and vulnerability.
Since you’re reading this, I’m guessing you’re like many of the goodhearted singles I work with – you want to find a respectful, non-creepy way to express romantic interest. You reject the dehumanizing approaches that abound in pickup artist circles; cold approaching a stranger at a bar and finding ways to “neg” them simply isn’t your jam.
I believe, at its core, flirting is play. It’s exploration, co-creativity, a dance, and delightful self-revelation.
Mama Gena, an author and feminist icon, defines flirting as “enjoying yourself in the presence of another person.”
Rolled up into one deliciously radical definition, I propose that flirtation is the radical act of playing in the presence of another.
For enjoyment. And for its own sake – not to assess sexual compatibility or “get” someone in bed.
You might ask, but doesn’t that miss the point? In reality, isn’t there an end goal to flirtation – to communicate interest?
Don’t get me wrong – communicating interest and sparking attraction is essential to developing an intimate relationship. It simply may not be helpful to think of it as a means to an end.
Seeing flirtation as a playful act that’s worthwhile regardless of the outcome will allow you to focus on enjoying yourself, which will paradoxically increase the chances of achieving your goal of finding a truly joyful connection.
How do you respectfully flirt with someone?
Looking to feminism as a guidepost, I’d like to suggest that non-creepy, regardful flirting is characterized by:
Respect: honoring the humanity of all parties, not defaulting to seduction tactics that play on others’ vulnerabilities.
Equality: Anyone, regardless of their sex or gender, can initiate or receive flirtation (i.e., screw gender roles).
Consent & Choice: respectful flirting is always consensual – after all, consent is sexy! No one is entitled to another person flirting with them. You have a right to end flirtation at any moment, even if you previously were an enthusiastic yes to that flirtation.
If you’re wondering, ok, but what does it actually look like to flirt respectfully? Like, what do I do?
Ok, I’ll give you the potentially annoying answer first, then get to the nuts and bolts.
If flirtation is playing in the presence of another, there isn’t one set of behaviors that constitutes flirting. How you flirt will depend on who you are and what you find enjoyable in a particular moment with a specific person in a particular environment.
Flirtation, in one instance, might include eye gazing, holding hands, or kissing. In another context, it might consist of asking a meaningful question or inviting them to play your favorite board game.
Here’s a guiding question for you to ask yourself when deciding how to flirt: what would I enjoy doing with this person at this moment?
That said, let’s review some concrete examples of flirtatious behavior so that you have a list of ways you might play yourself in the presence of another. We’ll look at behaviors scientists have examined when researching flirtation (yup, that’s a thing!).
Remember that the following flirtation strategies will be more or less effective depending on gender, goal (e.g., short-term sexual relationship vs long-term romantic relationship), and cultural context. Explore each of the links to get all the deets for each behavior.
Flirtatious behaviors according to science:
Humor: Using humor when flirting creates a light-hearted, positive atmosphere that can make both parties feel more comfortable. It's also a way to show interest and engagement in the interaction. Laughing at another person's jokes, in particular, can be a strong signal of interest and validate the other person, making them feel appreciated and connected.
Wearing revealing clothing: This can sometimes be used as a flirtation tactic to attract attention and signal sexual or romantic interest. However, it's important to note that clothing choices are personal and can be influenced by various factors, including culture, personal style, and context.
Acts of generosity and commitment: Engaging in intimate conversations and spending time together indicate a willingness to invest in the relationship and show a deeper level of interest. They often contribute to building trust and emotional intimacy between individuals.
Asking questions, especially follow-up questions: This shows that you're paying attention and are genuinely interested in the other person. Follow-up questions delve deeper into the conversation, demonstrating that you value what the person says and are engaged in the interaction.
Touch: Appropriate and consensual touch can increase closeness and intimacy in a flirtatious interaction. It can be a powerful non-verbal way to express interest and establish a connection.
Eye gazing: Holding someone's gaze can strongly signal interest and attraction. It can create an intimate bond and is often used to convey romantic or sexual interest non-verbally.
Smiling: A smile is a universal sign of friendliness and openness. In a flirting context, it can signal happiness and comfort with the other person's company, often making the other person feel more at ease.
Compliments: Words of affirmation can be a direct way to express admiration and interest. They can make the recipient feel valued and appreciated, potentially deepening the connection.
Open and inviting body language: This suggests you are approachable and receptive to interaction. Leaning in can signal that you are engaged and interested in the conversation or the person you are with.
How do you flirt without being creepy?
You might wonder, How do I flirt without being creepy or cringey?
In my experience, people are seen as creepy when they persistently cross boundaries in an unwanted, non-consensual manner.
For example, if a man stares at a woman’s breasts despite the woman turning away, frowning, and averting her gaze. Her body language says, I do not want this; you are making me uncomfortable, yet he continues looking. That is unmistakably creepy.
If you’re thinking, well, yeah, I’d never do that! – great! Now, let’s work backward from that obvious example to clarify what you can do to avoid being creepy in less apparent ways.
If you are flirting like a non-creepy feminist, your job is to engage in a respectful, choiceful, and consensual manner. To do this:
Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal signals. Do their body and words communicate an openness to connecting? If not, stop immediately and shift your attention elsewhere.
Start with something less likely to cause a boundary-crossing. For example, start by holding eye contact a moment longer than usual rather than diving into extended eye gazing immediately.
Test and assess. Notice their responses and adjust accordingly. Continuing the example from above, if their verbal and non-verbal cues indicate they’re enjoying more eye contact, you might graduate to more suggestive eye gazing.
When in doubt, ask for consent. Confused about whether they’re enjoying how you’re flirting and want more? Ask. Try, I'd like to _____ (e.g., kiss you right now). Would you enjoy that too? If you’re worried that’ll kill the mood, rest assured that many people find consent conversations refreshing and even titillating.
What if you feel too shy to flirt?
If you’re scared of flirting, you’re not alone – it’s common to feel nervous when flirting!
Here’s the good news: people who appear nervous in a dating context may be seen as more attractive, not less.
That said, you may sometimes feel so nervous you’re unable to flirt well. Here are a few things that can help reduce flirtation anxiety.
Look at Mindset and Skillset
Both mindset and skillset are critical when it comes to flirting. Your mindset involves your attitudes and beliefs about flirting and yourself. Believing that only certain types of people flirt or you're not good at it can hinder your ability to flirt effectively. On the other hand, your skillset is the actual techniques and behaviors you employ when flirting. You should practice and refine these skills to feel more comfortable with flirting. Identifying whether you need to shift your mindset or enhance your skillset (or both) is the first step to reducing anxiety.
Change Your Definition of Flirting
Broaden your understanding of what flirting is. It’s not just about witty one-liners or overt sexual advances; it's also about connecting and showing interest in someone. Recognize the subtle forms of flirting that you may already be doing without realizing it.
Avoid This Common Limiting Belief
Many people believe they don't know how to flirt. This isn’t true! Most people naturally exhibit flirtatious behavior without labeling it as such. Simple actions like a warm smile, an engaged conversation, or a sincere compliment can all be flirting. Reflect on your interactions and recognize that flirting doesn’t always fit into a narrow definition.
Acknowledge Diverse Styles of Flirtation
Understand that flirting does not look the same for everyone. The media often portrays flirting stereotypically, such as someone delivering a clever line at a bar. In reality, flirting can be as diverse as the people engaging in it and can align with your unique personality and style.
Balance Challenge with Soothing
If you're struggling to flirt thanks to anxiety, check out our episode You Aren’t Crazy, Dating is Hard (Especially for Anxious Folx), and our articles on building confidence and exposure therapy. I review gentle yet practical approaches to gradually expand your comfort zone so that you can become more comfortable with dating and flirtation.
Seek Therapy
It's important to note that for some, nervousness about flirting isn’t just butterflies — it’s a crippling fear of humiliation or rejection that stops them from flirting entirely. Or makes them do embarrassing things like blush, sweat, or talk uncontrollably. That’s dating anxiety, which is treatable, especially with the help of a dating anxiety specialist.
👉 Free Quiz: Do I Have Dating Anxiety?
Try Improv or Drama Therapy
Engaging in activities like improv or drama therapy can be a fun and effective way to practice flirting. These activities encourage spontaneity, collaboration, and creativity and can improve your ability to respond in the moment — all valuable skills for flirting.
Address Fears of Being Creepy
If you're worried about coming across as creepy or intrusive, learning and following the steps of respectful interaction is crucial. Seek honest feedback from trusted friends or professionals who can help you understand how your behaviors may be perceived. This is particularly important for those who have a deep-seated fear of causing harm, thanks to their personal trauma history or close relationships with abuse survivors. Understanding boundaries, consent, and mutual respect is vital.
TLDR
Flirting, when approached from a feminist perspective, is about playful, respectful, and consensual interaction, not just a means to an end. It involves genuinely connecting, considering your and the other person's comfort, and enjoying the process.
Flirting is a form of playful interaction, not just a method to achieve a goal.
Respect, equality, and consent are essential in non-creepy, respectful flirting.
Diverse styles of flirtation exist beyond traditional media portrayals.
Overcoming flirtation anxiety involves balancing mindset and skillset.
Activities like improv or drama therapy can enhance flirting skills.
Honest feedback and understanding boundaries are crucial to avoid being creepy.
Flirting should be enjoyable and authentic, reflecting mutual interest and respect.
Ready to build flirtation skills and confidence so that you can finally find love? Reach out now to get started with a skilled dating coach or therapist.
