What are the stages of falling in love?
Typically the first stage of falling in love is limerance, an all-consuming time that’s the stuff of poetry. All you do is think about your Beloved – you can’t sleep or eat, and all you want to do is be with them, look at them, touch them. It’s not entirely comfortable – the term “lovesick” captures the torturous nature of limerance – but at the same time, it may feel like your newfound love is a form of spiritual transcendence.
Limerance often coincides with the start of what’s popularly known as the “Honeymoon Phase.” Both partners idealize one another and have few conflicts, which enforces the sense that you’ve found something rare – you’re so similar and never fight!
The Honeymoon Phase can last a few days to a few years. When it ends, passionate love decreases thanks to hormone and neurotransmitter levels normalizing. You no longer feel endlessly ravenous for your partner.
For some, this shift is shocking. They interpret the reduction in lust to mean they’ve fallen out of love for their partner. In truth, this is a biologically determined and inevitable shift in passionate love that merely signals that it’s time to cultivate compassionate love.
Attachment theory experts like myself refer to this phase as the attachment phase. That is, if both partners stick around after the end of the honeymoon phase and invest in the relationship, they begin to feel more compassionate love. That is, they feel a deepening of their relationship on all levels, not just sexually, and enjoy increasing levels of calm, security, and care.
How long does it actually take to fall in love?
As Walt Whitman said, “We contain multitudes.” For that reason, timeframes for falling in love vary from person to person.
Attachment style is one crucial factor that impacts the development of feelings of love. Those with an insecure attachment style may be slow to warm up and may need lots of time to get to know someone before falling in love. Still others with insecure styles may fall in (and out of) love exceptionally quickly, developing feelings before they can mindfully assess the health of their relationship or partner.
Another factor that can influence how quickly feelings of love develop is sexuality. In particular, those who are demisexual (a form of asexuality) only develop attraction to others after developing an emotional connection.
Still, another more practical factor contributing to the pace at which love develops is the time spent together. If you or your love interest are busy and have little time to go on dates, you may not quickly develop feelings for one another.
Can you truly love someone you barely know?
Yes and no.
There are two types of love – compassionate and passionate. Both are important in establishing a healthy, long-term relationship, yet most people put undue emphasis on passionate love.
Those who report falling in “love at first sight” typically are experiencing passionate love.
Passionate love might also be called lust – it’s fiery, physical, and can feel all-consuming.
Compassionate love, on the other hand, is calm, kind, and more measured. Think of it as a kind of deep friendship based on care and mutual respect.
Thanks to our cultural programming about love – think Disney films, romance novels, and rom coms – many people believe that passionate love, especially “at first sight,” indicates that a relationship is “meant to be.” According to our culture’s Myth of the One (i.e., the story that there’s just one perfect person out there for you), the more sparks you feel for someone, the more likely they are your soul mate.
And yet, most of us know someone who’s had a relationship that started with fireworks but ended suddenly in a dramatic, painful explosion. In other words, intense passion in relationships isn’t always a good sign.
While physical attraction is an essential part of most happy long-term relationships – research finds that happy couples report high levels of satisfaction with their sex lives – companionate love is just as important.
Research shows that the happiest couples know one another on all levels, not just physically. They make it a point to know one another deeply, encourage one another’s dreams, and resolve conflict quickly.
Passionate love must be paired with compassionate love, which includes extending care and respect even when you don’t feel like it.
So, when it comes to finding a loving relationship for the long term, remember to look for both passionate and compassionate love. Remember that this can take time and doesn’t follow a predictable pattern.
In some relationships, lust comes before friendship. In others, passionate love arises after compassionate love starts to grow. Remember, dating is the process of intentionally getting to know someone over time and assessing whether both forms of love develop over time.
